Sorry I'm still pretty swamped and busy so haven't posted for a while but I have a few thoughts swimming in my head so thought I better share them! I've been looking at the stats and thank you to all you regular readers - I'm a bit crap at English and haven't really done any of those cool things that you can do on blogs so your viewership is great and I'm grateful.
So first things first, I've been wondering, does a person have one particular talent/purpose? We had a Leaver's concert thing yesterday which was incredible and everyone played so beautifully. There are those people that are so musically talented, it astounds me. I have not an inch of musical talent! (Other than listening to good music and knowing a lot of lyrics to songs). Then there are those others that are incredible at sport, those that are so academically amazing, those arty types etc.. and it's just made me think.. what is my particular talent? With most people you can define them with one thing - you know, 'Oh I know (so and so) they are so good at the piano!' but I've been thinking.. I don't think I have a particular talent. Other than maybe a talent for talking too much. But is that a good thing or a bad thing? Some people say that it is better to be an all rounder (though I'm not sure I'm even that..), but is that really true?
And do I have a purpose..? Some people seem so sure about what they want to do in the future, what they want to achieve from life.. but to be honest, as perfect as the LOST medic sheep shows, I am so lost. I can't seem to find that one thing that I know I want to do without any doubts, that will use my best qualities best. Some people find their niches so easily - I'm jealous! Even subjects wise, my whole school career I don't think I've ever had that one subject that I've been really good at/known for, which made picking A Levels etc really hard! I loved all my GCSE subjects. It does however mean that you become uncredited I think - for example at our school we have subject prizes and not that I've ever wanted one, I know I'd never get one for a subject as for each one you'd have the receivers as the ones doing the subject at uni/where that subject is their best one.
Speaking of talking too much... It made me think of a second thing. Is being bubbly and talking to much a really bad thing? I always get told I talk too much, heck, in one particular lesson, the teacher regularly calls on me for this (though in a banterous way, and to be honest she does spur me on) and even though I talk a lot more in her lessons than usual, speaking with so many other people and seeing how I am at school, it has made me wonder.. whilst being bubbly and talkative can put a smile on some people's faces does it just mean that you aren't taken seriously? I often consider if people are actually listening to what I say, or if they think I just say too many words with little substance. Even in other circumstances when I do say something concise, accurate and right to an answer, there are so many cases when it's been too quiet/the teacher/others thinking it had been someone else that had said it than me (or also when you say it quietly and your next door student says what you said louder).
Yet with all this disappointment in the back of my mind and a hidden sadness, I love that I have this opportunity to just be care free, talk a lot and just enjoy the moment. Being able to be a little cheeky with banter, and talking a lot about other things lets all my worries and thoughts just disappear for a while and gives that moment of 'everything's going to be alright'. Plus I'm a sucker for laughter and fun, and I really do think it makes you happier and healthier - no one likes the frigid, unjoyful one.
Just before I wrote this I told a friend exactly these thoughts and he then responded with 'well if you are worried people wouldn't take you seriously if you talk a lot would you change that?' and the truth is - NO.
Yes, I understand in some circumstances talking a lot is not the most appropriate method of communication and I would acknowledge and use that but HELL to the NO am I changing who I am. Speaking a lot and having a 'jolly' (not drunk jolly) persona is just who I am and if people have a problem with that then they need to talk and have a bit of a laugh themselves. I'm not going to try and change who I am and turn into someone else or someone that others (close minded people) prefer.
But one thing only a few people do know and realise is that whilst I may talk a lot, i'm actually a very private person. I don't always express what I'm actually feeling (I don't like everyone knowing/gossiping about the intricies of my personal (and not anecdotal) life) and just cover it with laughter and banter. One of my best friends thinks that's a bad thing right now though as it means that everyone thinks that I've passed over this whole rejection/failure thing very quickly so don't support me but to be honest I really don't want to be molly-coddled, and just prefer being able to talk a lot and be cheeky. Though on a side note, some important head people talked to my Mum yesterday and I find it so weird that all these teachers and people are talking behind my back about 'how sad and upset' I was in March after the rejections yet only one teacher (who I wouldn't have thought) actually asked me if I was ok when I really wasn't. Maybe they thought that as I'm too talkative I'd just tell everyone. Hmm.
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