The wait is now over!

So I heard from that final medical school today in the form of a rejection. :(. Not quite sure how I feel. Shed a few tears, but I'm not sure if that was more over relief that I now know from everywhere or the rejection itself. But now after a few hours, I'm feeling optimistic and excited for what the year may bring. Now I can have the most amazing gap year and do exactly what I want to do, yet I still have to think about finance and I'm hating that I could have had the opportunity for the low fees but have blown it and will have to pay the high ones. Bleurgh.

But I'm actually quite surprised at how i've delt with this all. Thought I'd be a lot more upset about it than I am, but maybe I'm just deluding myself. People who found out were so supportive, and I felt so warm (i've always thought that I wouldn't know how to act when people start saying they feel sorry for me, I HATE pity) though I couldn't believe that a few teachers passed me when I was crying and didn't even stop to ask if I was ok. But I didn't think about that at the time, I definately do NOT want to be molly-coddled and to be honest I shouldn't (and don't) care about that. One really nice teacher even gave me some easter mini eggs which was so sweet, and my closest friends have been incredible, so I'm fine.

Looking to the future now, I guess this all happened for a reason, whether I deserved it or not. Better concentrate on my A levels, and just grasp whatever may happen over this next year. Its annoying that I may have to do the UKCAT, BMAT etc all over again, but at least this time I get to do it all with my A level results and with maturity and experience which can only benefit my application.

Aeek so read over my previous posts and I think i'm getting a bit too cheesy. But hopefully now that I've laid out my situation I can offer more readable and interesting posts!

So still no news from that last uni. Grr, but at least some excitement over an email today wasn't lost - Starbucks are giving me a free bag of coffee on Thursday - hooray! On a final medically lost sheep related note, I was interrogated today by lots of potential medics in the year below who were interested in what I had to say. Weird giving them advice from the 'other side of the table' but it kind of felt odd as some of the things that I was telling them I kind of wish I knew before whole application shabang! But also reminded me how much respect I have for the teacher who helps all us potential medics out and just how much effort she put it in to help us all, so at least I feel very assured that if I do need to reapply, i've got a lot of knowledge from this UCAS cycle, and a helpful teacher that can only strengthen my application.

We had a speaker today who was a political journalist. Thought it might not be very interesting but it was suprisingly really informative and made me think. I've never really been interested in politics as a subject, constitutions etc - the attacking nature of MPs and the fact that huge conflicts arise, plus the pompous nature of many of them, but I definately don't want to sit back quietly. Everyone has a voice and I think we should all use it to express our opinion (and not in an aggressive and derogatory way) for a better change. After all we are citizens! (and I am 18 and can vote :D) So from this and a talk on Sunday I'm definately spurred on to help make a good change. He did also teach us how much your life could be exposed to the public eye. Kinda relates to medicine too. Doctors that aren't happy with a way that a hospital is working should speak up so that it can be changed for the better. I also think we should have more Baronness Doctors in the House of Lords (if that is possible), maybe then, many of the health reforms may have happened differently.

Ah what a ramble. Not much to contribute today but maybe, JUST maybe I'll be able to post some news about that final university that I'm waiting on tomorrow. Also for you that are from The Student Room, feel free to comment with feedback or show how you are feeling if you are in a similar situation.

The waiting game just will not end!

Even though I've had a really nice relaxing day, I still find that internally and constantly at the back of my mind I'm anxious and still slightly sad about the university situation. Definitely doesn't help when everyone's talking about their Firm choices/student finance etc! But I've seen a change in the way I'm regarding it all. I've accepted it now and have taken my own advice that I 'preached' to the school to stop comparing myself with those that have had such successes this year who I thought were pretty similar to me.

And also for the first time in ages, I actually felt motivated to do some work for the love of learning! - I've always thought that people should love to learn and learn about the things that interest them, and NOT just words to pass an exam (this is probably after seeing the film 3 Idiots which I really really recommend, even if it is an Indian film - it will change your perspective on education) . Recently I'd just been ploughing along, having no energy to do any work especially after the 'too academic' feedback  - Whats the point if I don't even have an offer to meet/no uni cares about my grades? Why, if a few teachers don't appreciate effort but just full marks? This was especially heightened after results - I had NO emotion to my results. I didn't even care if they were good (or bad). And during that time when I couldn't stop comparing myself, I found myself against my will and silently in the corners of my brain having negative views that there are some people who have medicine offers which they will just about meet after lots of retakes, and here I am with cambridge ums marks retaking none. But today I've started a new book about the genetic differences and evolutions between me and women by Steve Jones and it's so good. Also reminds me the amount of interest and effort I took/put into outside fields of medicine not covered by the A levels which NONE of my interviewers asked about and I know makes me a little different from other applicants.

Oh man just re-reading the last bit of this paragraph ^ makes me feel so guilty and selfish. So so glad that I've stop these comparisons - what a waste of energy! But yeah, although I'm starting to get REALLY frustrated with this waiting, the fact that I'm being so reflective and changing my attitude is really making me feel better. Ah what the UCAS (and maybe the growing-up competitive) system does to you.

Edit: About comments by me on my grades/results in this post and in any other post in this blog - I'm not one to boast and brag about grades, but I feel its a tiny bit necessary here in order that this blog can be useful to you, either to get an idea or to help you with your medical school application in the future. Hehe actually in thinking about one of my initial posts - maybe I'm doing this because I feel I have to prove to you that I do actually have an amount of smartness and work hard and am not a complete thick lazy ditz that obtained all (well its probably going to be all by the end of this week) rejections.

Optimistic

So most of today was spent at the charity that takes up a big part of my life. Its the sort of charity that really strives for the greatest development of children, and I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be part of it. The atmosphere is so humbling and warm and it really is like a family. It's like this perfect bubble to escape to - here there is no competition, no judging but just pure care and love between the volunteers. We had a talk today for the older ones about goals, self discipline etc, and just thinking about these things and also my long term goals and oppressions to it funnily enough made me very optimistic. (I thought spending time actually thinking about my failures would really dishearten me.)

Just spending time with the children and talking to some of the most inspirational and motivational people I have ever met made me realise that there is way more to life than academics and getting into university and achieving your goals straight away. Really makes me think, why waste so much time and energy looking at where things went wrong? Why don't I just be positive, learn from those mistake/hinders and use this energy to move forward to enjoy my life?

We also had a short talk about healthy politics and the role that one can play in society as a citizen of the world. This definitely reinforced my dream to one day work with/for the United Nations and just thinking about it, I'm quite excited that I may be able to do something worthwhile maybe in a third world country for people who aren't selfish and materialistically greedy in my potential gap year!!

The waiting

So waiting on the decision of the last uni that should be coming in any moment now. The wait is so draining and literally can't tell you how excited then deflated I get when I see an email in my inbox to realise it's just ASOS!

I knew three other people that were interviewed at this uni on the same day just before me, and they have all heard. Funny fact, during the interview session on that day, there were 4 of us with the same surname, and with firstnames that all rhymed. 

Hard as well when everyone you know has floods of offers, some medics too that have all 4! I only need one offer to get into medical school and be a doctor, yet I can't seem to even get one.

My situation

My situation:

A geek that wants to study medicine but post interviews has been rejected by 2 universities, wait listed at 1 and pretty sure another rejection is on the way. Yes I have shed a few tears because the reasons for rejection are very annoying ("too academic") but right now I've never felt like more of a half-happy half-sad lost sheep. (Can't help feeling that its very selfish of me to dwell and waste energy on such matters when there are people dying and having to cope with hellish situations in Japan)

So why am I half happy half sad (and yes I do very much believe that you can have such an emotion)?

Half happy - I have this opportunity to grow up and see the world and have the most amazing gap year! I've done a LOT of voluntary work since a young age and feel that every person in the world should be made to give back to the community, so a chance to do a years worth of self guided volunteering is very attractive. Whilst I do really want to do medicine, it also buys me a bit of time to decide whether I want to enter Medicine now or at a later date post-graduate.

Half sad - I know this is going to sound absolutely obnoxious and arrogant, but I genuinely just don't know where I went wrong to get so many rejections. To be honest I've never felt such disappointment and rejection which coming from someone who just gets on with life and never lets these things bring me down is bold. I've got straight A* results and near perfect UMS and do so much out of school. But not to dwell on that, it leads me to my next point. Ever since these rejections have come through UCAS I find that I'm comparing myself with others and feeling that I have to prove myself to people that 'No, I am not just an unsuccessful thick, useless reject'.  I've also started to care about what people think of me on a huge scale. And I've developed this inner anger and jealousy - especially at those who LIE on their personal statement and do no work yet still get the 4 offers. Not anger at them - more that my heart just gets more sad.

Oh and the biggest one, I HATE this fees increase. I feel obliged to go to uni this year so that I don't have to pay the higher fees yet the fact that I'm not going to be able to puts this huge weight (and future debt) on my shoulders.

And not forgetting the fact that I go to a school that top's the league tables and where it is really easy to blend into the background (though I'm pretty loud and deputy head girl so not so much of a problem for me) and get judged/pitied for getting rejections. I love my school, i'm just not the happiest with the careers advice that I've been given. So don't even know who to listen to anymore.

First post!

So it's my first post! You may wonder why I started this blog. I will tell you of my situation in a bit but firstly I started this because like many other teenagers in the world, I feel like a completely lost sheep looking for a shepherd (or guidance). Every person goes through their own situations and handles them differently, but I always find it helpful to talk to or read about people who are in similar predicaments to my own. So hopefully this will help or remind someone in the future or merely be a good read. I'm not the best at English, but I'm a complete chatterbox which should be sufficient enough for a readable blog. (I hope).