Talent and Talking

Sorry I'm still pretty swamped and busy so haven't posted for a while but I have a few thoughts swimming in my head so thought I better share them! I've been looking at the stats and thank you to all you regular readers - I'm a bit crap at English and haven't really done any of those cool things that you can do on blogs so your viewership is great and I'm grateful.

So first things first, I've been wondering, does a person have one particular talent/purpose? We had a Leaver's concert thing yesterday which was incredible and everyone played so beautifully. There are those people that are so musically talented, it astounds me. I have not an inch of musical talent! (Other than listening to good music and knowing a lot of lyrics to songs). Then there are those others that are incredible at sport, those that are so academically amazing, those arty types etc.. and it's just made me think.. what is my particular talent? With most people you can define them with one thing - you know, 'Oh I know (so and so) they are so good at the piano!' but I've been thinking.. I don't think I have a particular talent. Other than maybe a talent for talking too much. But is that a good thing or a bad thing? Some people say that it is better to be an all rounder (though I'm not sure I'm even that..), but is that really true?

And do I have a purpose..? Some people seem so sure about what they want to do in the future, what they want to achieve from life.. but to be honest, as perfect as the LOST medic sheep shows, I am so lost. I can't seem to find that one thing that I know I want to do without any doubts, that will use my best qualities best. Some people find their niches so easily - I'm jealous! Even subjects wise, my whole school career I don't think I've ever had that one subject that I've been really good at/known for, which made picking A Levels etc really hard! I loved all my GCSE subjects. It does however mean that you become uncredited I think - for example at our school we have subject prizes and not that I've ever wanted one, I know I'd never get one for a subject as for each one you'd have the receivers as the ones doing the subject at uni/where that subject is their best one.

Speaking of talking too much... It made me think of a second thing. Is being bubbly and talking to much a really bad thing? I always get told I talk too much, heck, in one particular lesson, the teacher regularly calls on me for this (though in a banterous way, and to be honest she does spur me on) and even though I talk a lot more in her lessons than usual, speaking with so many other people and seeing how I am at school, it has made me wonder.. whilst being bubbly and talkative can put a smile on some people's faces does it just mean that you aren't taken seriously? I often consider if people are actually listening to what I say, or if they think I just say too many words with little substance. Even in other circumstances when I do say something concise, accurate and right to an answer, there are so many cases when it's been too quiet/the teacher/others thinking it had been someone else that had said it than me (or also when you say it quietly and your next door student says what you said louder).

Yet with all this disappointment in the back of my mind and a hidden sadness, I love that I have this opportunity to just be care free, talk a lot and just enjoy the moment. Being able to be a little cheeky with banter, and talking a lot about other things lets all my worries and thoughts just disappear for a while and gives that moment of 'everything's going to be alright'. Plus I'm a sucker for laughter and fun, and I really do think it makes you happier and healthier - no one likes the frigid, unjoyful one.

Just before I wrote this I told a friend exactly these thoughts and he then responded with 'well if you are worried people wouldn't take you seriously if you talk a lot would you change that?' and the truth is - NO.

Yes, I understand in some circumstances talking a lot is not the most appropriate method of communication and I would acknowledge and use that but HELL to the NO am I changing who I am. Speaking a lot and having a 'jolly' (not drunk jolly) persona is just who I am and if people have a problem with that then they need to talk and have a bit of a laugh themselves. I'm not going to try and change who I am and turn into someone else or someone that others (close minded people) prefer.

But one thing only a few people do know and realise is that whilst I may talk a lot, i'm actually a very private person. I don't always express what I'm actually feeling (I don't like everyone knowing/gossiping about the intricies of my personal (and not anecdotal) life) and just cover it with laughter and banter. One of my best friends thinks that's a bad thing right now though as it means that everyone thinks that I've passed over this whole rejection/failure thing very quickly so don't support me but to be honest I really don't want to be molly-coddled, and just prefer being able to talk a lot and be cheeky. Though on a side note, some important head people talked to my Mum yesterday and I find it so weird that all these teachers and people are talking behind my back about 'how sad and upset' I was in March after the rejections yet only one teacher (who I wouldn't have thought) actually asked me if I was ok when I really wasn't. Maybe they thought that as I'm too talkative I'd just tell everyone. Hmm.

Update

Hey everyone,

Really sorry that I've not posted in ages I've been really really busy! But I will offer you a quick update now as to everything thats happening:

So a Gap Year I've decided is definately a go go. Plans look amazing and I'm so excited that I know this is an opportunity that I can't pass up. Everything is fitting into place! Apart from the fact that I'm not completely sure if I want to study Medicine at the undergraduate stage yet, but hey no rush to decide, just got a bout two months with exams in the middle. Better focus on exams primarily!
Some of us U6 Medics had to speak to some L6 potential medics, and with all the information that i've acquired and all the things that I've been through and my advice, I had tonnes to say. I think I completely overwhelmed them but hey they need to realise that just because you have great grades and haven't met any disappointments yet doesn't mean that the medical application is going to be an easy journey. I wish I had had that dronned into me last year, and hopefully they will realise how competitive it is and be grateful this time next year. Someone did comment though that maybe I shouldn't have given them all this advice as it just increases my competition if I go for Medicine again next year but hey, gotta help.

Last week was the first few days of my last EVER term at school. Getting really quite scary!! I don't want to leave I love school. Had a few jokes lessons, and its nice to again be able to joke around and be happy and just not worry about the university stresses. That said there does seem to still be this awful disappointed presence in the back of my mind. Though with one teacher and lesson, even though I don't think the teacher takes me seriously at all and thinks I'm an absolute nutcase, it's nice to just feel and be care free whilst I can get away from it and not be anxious and worried.

Besides school and academic institutionalisedness, how can I not comment on the wedding!! (Royal one that is, more on the other wedding later) Felt the Britannia spirit full on, and decided to go into town. Went to Green Park where there were HEAPS of people and then on a royal pub food crawl with some family friends. Favourite one had to be 'The Clarence' pub by Green Park where there was a naked (and well toned) man wearing just a union jack thong. Spirit there was so lively and hilarious! My momma in her usual style left home in the very early hours and was by Pall Mall. She managed to get some great photos and was so near the front to see everyone pass by and the balcony scene. LOVED Wills driving the Aston Martin. Pretty annoyed though as that is what I wanted to happen at my wedding! darn them for stealing it. Sadly we didn't get to go to any proper street party's but went to Royal Wedding parties nevertheless which were equally fun. I also adored Kate's dress, it was so so pretty and beautiful and she looked amazing. As did Pippa.. definately agree that she stole the show. What she wore as the maid of honour - I would totally wear that as a wedding dress! That bridesmaid that pulled a bit of a strop on the balcony was also legendary and so cute. Ooh hated what a lot of the guests were wearing though - what was Beatrice and Eugenie wearing? and Princess Anne? Curtains?

The next day we went to Westminster Abbey to see how it all was. It was so pretty and the trees made the atmopshere and abbey so serene and beautiful. One flower fell and well, I may (or may not) have picked it up. Was told that it was going to go into the bin anyways.

So yeah on other news and the other wedding/engagementnes.. I have SO many weddings to go to this year. Its crazy and naturally half of the weddings and wedding events clash with other events like my Leavers Service and Ball. Grrr. It's also really annoying to try and find a few equally nice and appropriate clothes to wear. Same crowd at a few of them so it's not even as though I can wear the same clothes again to another wedding.

Loving the continued sunshine.. have fully transformed into my summer wardrobe and I love my summer clothes so its been fun. Really annoying having to stay indoors and revise rather than be outside. I do fall asleep though in the sun so maybe its a bit of a good thing.

Ah right I have to quickly go.. sorry for this mahooosive essay but thought I'd fill you in since it's been ages since my last post. I had more to say but I've got to go so I'll post a bit later. Ciao!

Routine?

I'm beginning to wonder if I am settling into a routine - take ages to get into revision, revise slowly, then wonder for ages about what my prospects are like for the next year then eat, go outside/inside, get distracted and the cycle starts again.

To be honest, I'm really starting to struggle with keeping my mind on revision. All I can think about these days (probably because of revision I'm setting time aside to think) is what on earth is going to happen this year and what can I do about it. Of course I've been telling myself and people have been telling me that it is more important to concentrate on  my exams and get the grades, but really that's quite hard in practice!

Whatsmore I'm getting more and more confused as to whether I want to be doing Medicine or not, or this other course that looks spectacular. One thing I am getting VERY excited about are my travelling plans!! Lots of plans for the India and Nepal trip are being finalised and look absolutely incredible! I can't believe that I may actually make a huge difference to a community and village just by doing some small actions that in this 'western' world would feel effortless. My only worry is that in the very slightest possibility I may get that final offer (on the waiting list right now for new readers) and then this trip would have to be quite short or abandoned all together :( My other worry is also that this looks so awesome and mindblowing that I'll get there, have the most amazing time and then just not want to come back. Or may even come back and then just not want to go to university as I'll have felt that I've experienced the 'real' world and want to just live and work in that.

However, the weather is absolutely delightful! Loving the sun and trying to enjoy it when I can. Lovely picnics with family and friends happening/happened which is always a joyful occasion. I am finding it hard though to get the work/play balance right, hard especially when my work is not going as productive as it had always been! Oh well, hopefully work hard play hard.

Sorry just coming back to plans for the next year, sadly one of the job offers that I had has been withdrawn as the lady I was meant to be replacing for four months has decided to stay on. May still work there but won't be till about this time next year. Have an interview tomorrow though at a medical publishing house which should be quite exciting! Weary about the interview sense of it all as my confidence interview wise is pretty much buried in the ground but apparently it is an informal one to just discuss dates and the work that I'll be doing. Hopefully it will go ok.

So that's me over and out. Off to go watch some Holby City! I love the new Dr Shah on it :)

The revision bleurgh continues..

As the title suggests, everythings still the same old same old and I'm continuing to plough along with revision. How's everyone else finding it? Have a severe lack of motivation right now, probably because I feel there is no university offer to work towards/CBA to work if uni's next year may come back again with 'too academic'. Have made progress though!

Found the best thing to do in my breaks - go on YouTube and look at 'How to..' videos. In a few days I've learnt how to do funky things with my hair, make a really good cappuccino and how to play a ukelele to name but a few. I don't actually own a ukelele. But it was fun to play air ukelele none the less :P

Have some great things planned for the evenings this week which is quite exciting! Adds some colour to the boring revision life. And an interview. Not a university interview though but it should be good practice nevertheless.

In the midst of revision...

Hello everyone,

Sorry for the lack of posts the past few days, have been fairly busy with revision, events and what not and couldn't find enough time (and probably content!) to post.

So have been concentrating more on revision and relaxing than the whole university hoopla but there are a few things to add. Have been in contact with a few universities and all hope is not gone as I may possibly still be considered come August if people haven't made their offers, and some have said that they'd like me to apply there next year as they liked the look of my application which is promising! Annoying when it comes to gap year planning though, if there is the small possibility of going to Uni in Sept.

Have been working on a long ass post with advice for applications to certain uni's etc which I will post soon once its been looked at by some also 'in the know' to make sure that it is accurate etc.

Have had some really good chats with some family members and consultants and general practitioners that have resulted in a lessened fear for the year ahead and also some options that I should consider.

So besides all this and revision what have I done? I went to a cooking class today at L'atelier des Chefs which was good fun - it was something me and a friend got to go to for a free! How exciting. Made some funky dishes and learnt some new things too. The chef that ran the class was a bit military though and kept getting annoyed when I chopped instead of glided.

Did a spot of shopping (but not properly as I have taken a vow of no shopping for 2011) to get a few necessities - and get this, everything I bought (4 items) were below £5.  And they did include boots, wedges, bras etc. BARGAIN! Also recommend people to hit oxford street (if you want to dare) in the early morning when it just opens, as no crowds and everything is all nicely presented in shops :)

Have met up with a few friends and family and went to Ottolenghi (this great albeit posh place) for an incredible cheesecake and cappuccino. Continued my morning walks in Regents Park as it is still gorgeous and um that's about it!

Oh and a thought - any answers would be great to this - does anyone know where Pigeons go to sleep/do they sleep? Been wondering.

Peace out.

p.s. not really peace in my house - a silly hummingbird is nesting in my garden and has somehow learnt to mimic a car alarm and we have to hear it from about 4am till 11pm. EVERYDAY, ALL DAY. So irritating.

Lovely weather p.s.

OOOOH i've just been alerted to the fact that I can do TONNES of funky things in my posts. Didn't even realise. So sorry that previous posts (besides the picture) have been boring and just a blob of writing with no cool colours, videos or anything. Appreciate that you've still been reading it though! Look out for some better, funky posts!

p.s. Also I've now reached the 1+ 100+ reads a day mark! oooh exciting!!

Lovely weather!

Ah I just can't get over how gorgeous this weather is. I have  found the perfect solution to any worries/for time to think - walking in beautiful places with beautiful sunshine. Yesterday just hopped in the car went to a random place (decided on Henley on Thames), parked at a random car park and went for a lovely walk. Was absolutely gorgeous and pretty and I've decided I want either my wedding, or a reception or something along/on this river. One of the guys I went with wants his wedding there too, but its fine, I shotgunned/bagsy-ed (whatever you call it!) - though you readers, let me know if you are planning to choose this place too. There was this lovely boardwalk kind of thing in the middle of the river and thames path, here I'll attach my very first picture:

OK the picture doesn't really do it justice. But it was so peaceful and beautiful nevertheless.

So the long walk then and even this morning at Regents Park has given my lots of time to think. I'm completely at peace now with all the rejections, and for the first time yesterday when I was thinking about it or talking to people about it I didn't have a sad heart at all! Lovely feeling. And I'm finally sleeping well which is a huge  plus. Though I think I need to stop eating so much ice cream. Had it 4  times yesterday (though in different forms, ice cones, scoops etc), and I think someone's getting a bit worried that I'm becoming attached to it or something.

Have been revising in the Sun which has actually been good fun. I have however gone to another level in terms of notes/posters in my wall - last year I introduced glitter glues, and now thanks to a birthday present form a friend, I've used a lot of smelly pens. My M3 formulas smell of banana's its awesome.

Anyways, better go now, am going to be spending a few hours writing wedding invitations!! (LOL not my own. haha, I may have selected a possible venue but don't get ahead of the game ;)) The wedding season has well and truely started!

First day of revision = fail

So thought that I'd make a start on revision and have a really productive day. What a fail. I did make some sort of a start though and did a little bit. But spent the majority of time looking up what I could do/where I could go on my gap year, online internet window shopping (haha), played a few online games, skyped a few people, spent time on wikipedia learning about sharks and wales, and also rearranged all my stationary.

Ooh and also ate a LOT of food. Fruit to be precise, and I'm quite proud of that, usually I just raid the junk cupboard.

Also had a delivery from an order I placed a while ago. Got so excited and quickly opened it up to realise - Oh maayn, I had ordered most clothes from the maternity section. Wah. So re-packaged most and sent it off again. Have kept one top though that is meant to be maternity - you can't tell though. Don't judge.

Got a really busy weekend this weekend starting off early on Saturday morning, and as I have to visit some family tonight can you believe it I'm going to stay in this Friday night :) Have also lost my oyster card (it is somewhere) which is making travel a bit annoying. Did have an offer for a BBQ at lovely person's house and also a dinner in Baker Street, but sadly had to decline because of my unproductive day and 5am wake up tomorrow grrr. And also could totally tell that my parents would be unimpressed because I've been out every night this week.

So yeah, ladida, that's Friday for me today. POW.

p.s. on Lost Medic Sheep news, revision, whilst a good distraction just gives more time to think about the gap year and university situation. GRR! I actually spent time looking on UCAS extra to see what I could possibly do so that I'm not a lost sheep and nearly, just nearly, clicked on Criminal Medicine and psychology at a remote university college in Wales.

Flowers

Had a lovely day today in Regents Park and have decided to add it to my revision routine. The place was gorgeous! The prettiest flowers everywhere and with the sunshine and summery clothes it felt like July rather than April! Healthwise, some people say that sunshine makes people happier - heck science has proved it and I can definately vouch for that. I wonder if sun rays falling on our skins release actual endorphins (besides maybe causing skin cancer and helping with Vitamin D). I've spent the whole day feeling so happy and relaxed. All those university troubles and anxiety feels miles away. Though this may just be because I'm preoccupied with the weather and not cooped inside to wallow in sadness. Not gonna complain though!

Spent the rest of the day baking and considering that I have a door-less oven right now and have no cooking ability, my cookies tasted pretty damn good. Also bumped into a friend from primary school which was a nice surprise. Made me realise how much I've changed since the good old days of being only a single digit old. Its also funny how we can suddenly get on really well with the people we've not seen in ages and be completely comfortable, yet not fully be with some people in our own schools who we see all the time.

Time for Harry Potter film watching!

Sunshine! P.s...

Ok so since posting that I've had more requests to share anecdotes on my life and commentaries on things besides the university shabhang that has been going on. Right so I have decided that I will do and I will include some pictures, videos etc if they are necessary. Though for privacy sakes I'm afraid I can't divulge everything. Sorry :( but to be honest I'm not sure that you will understand a lot of it unless you know my interests/me so I will give you (as I need to run to the shops in a sec) a taster of 10 things about me/what I love/hate whatever:

1. I LOVE tea. I drink it a lot. and I mean A LOT.
2. I like watching a lot of american TV sitcoms, Big Bang Theory, Gossip Girl, Glee, etc as well as UK ones too, Waterloo Road, Holby City etc. as well as old classics.
3. Some people say that I am a gay man trapped in a woman's body. Take that as you will.
4. Some other people say that I am an old man for my love of cars, Top Gear, films and tv programs like The Sting, James Bond, Hustle etc. I also play Golf and get along with males better than females. Probably because I'm considered a bantersaurus rex.
5. Though from the above, I have a job at Princess and Princes academy. (no joke). Though I'm in no way posh and never will be.
6. I have a fear of ducks. I have anatidaephobia - the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you.
7. I love listening to music and going to gigs, though I am musically untalented.
8. I like finding inspiration from things. Think everyone should have inspiring things to help them through life. Even if it is the Arthur Theme tune
9. I talk way too much for my own good. And also laugh too much. Especially at things that no one else finds funny. Seem to find puns in everything.
10. I love learning about random facts to help my random nature - did you know there were 40,000 toilet related injuries in the USA last year?

Those were the first 10 things that popped into me and my friend's head. Hope that paints a picture for ya. Ooh and look at this, a first non medical school application related post!

Sunshine!

So nice to be writing this with a cup of tea looking out to the most beautiful weather I've seen all year. They say that the weather can change a person's mood and I completely agree with that!

Am on holiday now. Woke up after a long lie in and thought yay great, but then got a bit sad after realising that I missed school and can't believe I'll only have a month of it left when I get back! The weather made me happier though and went on a lovely walk instead of stuck in the classroom.

So how am I feeling? Feeling a lot better thanks. I'm still quite knackered and drained from it all but feeling really positive. Realised yesterday though after a conversation with a friend and after crying infront of a teacher that I think I am at my emotional peak! Never been this emotional I don't think. Weird how university rejections, tiredness and a low self esteem can change a usually private and positive person into an emotional fuse! Proud of how I'm dealing with the 'I feel so sorry for you's and 'oh you must be so disappointed's, I'm no longer shying away from the pity, and just accepting it. To be honest I don't think I've ever been so warmed and humbled by everyone's support. Got the NICEST card and letter I think I've ever received from a Godmothery Aunty today which really made me realise that even though there are disappointments, use it to my advantage - don't dwell on it and let it help me to grow. Also had lovely messages from some other uncles and cousins. Thanks guys, you are the best. All of this warmth and genuine sadness and people caring how I feel makes up for the disappointed pity I'm getting from people who don't even know what I'm about.

Apart from some sadness and a realisation of the person that I've been becoming that I hate, I had quite a nice day and there were some really nice instances. Aparantly some year 11's told a teacher that I was their biggest role model and that they look up to me and love that I'm the most realistic Dep Head (whatever that means) which nearly set me off! That's the loveliest thing I've ever heard. Some year 9's also gave me some easter eggs and sweets which was really cute. Ah well, don't mean to post that in a boastful way but more of a feelgood factor. When I look back on these posts, I'd quite like a reminder that everything these days isn't all depressive and sad!

So now onto Easter. I've been ordered by a lot of people to leave revision for a while and just relax, which I've attempted to do but I think I need a distraction. Going to spend time with all the people that I love for a few days and just enjoy the sunshine and life and then I think i'll let the revision mode kick in. I'm starting to get an inkling of motivation for revision which is lovely and making me think that ooh look the old self me is starting to come back. Hehe just smiled at that - more that I smiled at revision. In fact I'm smiling a lot more with genuine happiness which is great. Recently I have been keeping up smiling, but I'm not going to lie, most of those times it was a definite cover for anxiety. So glad that my real smiles are back :) One of my favourite teachers told me I need to keep smiling so hey, can't ignore that!

I realise that the past few posts have been full of my emotions and have had a sad ring to them, so I PROMISE that this is the last post like that. As I've said, I know I need a rejuvenation, so with that, be prepared for happier posts, with happier commentaries. Just paused as I'm writing this to take a call and one of my friends that reads this has said that apparantely I have some 'hilarious comments' on life and generally have some hilarious incidences or quirks that I've not posted about. (I don't think that the're hilarious) So i'm now being made to add some of these to my posts for the  (insert my name) factor. Even though this is called The Lost Medic Sheep, I've a feeling this is also going to contain some other comments and stories. Right.

Hindsight

Sorry, I've been so busy and ill for a couple of days so not been able to post. The time spent ill in bed has definitely given time for everything to sink in, and whilst for a while It was depressing and I felt sad and lost I've come out really excited for the year ahead and realised that hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Its still sad that all this effort throughout the year has come ended with disappointment but it has given me lots of food for thought and tonnes of advice that I can use for this year. A couple of weeks ago at the charity I had to give a talk on 'Inspired by the Expired' and I'm now finding inspiration from all these expired events/mistakes (or whatever you call them) from this year, funny that. Also from talking to future medics in the year below I've got a lot of advice to give, so after some requests I'll definitely have a few posts with advice (though do remember that advice is usually individualistic, so advice to one person may not be very helpful to you).

Its been weird having to sign myself up again for open days and what not, but at least now I have the biggest agenda and the greatest number of questions I can ask to make the right decisions. Thing is, I still keep questioning whether I want to enter medicine now or postgraduate. Its hard to identify whether I'm just disheartened from all the rejections or if I really should do another degree beforehand. Hmpf.

As for school, the best thing I can do right now is concentrate on my work and get the best grades possible. This is really hard when I have no motivation but hey, I guess I've just got to stick at it. Also feeling that I'm more and more ready to leave school. That's not because I don't love it, I think I'm just starting to accept that I'm going to have to spend a year in the 'big bad world' as an adult without the security and want that 'progress' to happen sooner than later. But I really really am going to miss school. More the people and atmosphere than anything. Haven't been the happiest with the advice I've been given from the careers department but as my wise friend said 'if they and UCAS messedd me over this year, then next year mess them both.' So I won't dwell on it.

It is a bit annoying though that some people know the situation I'm in, and talk to me but don't mention it. Its like 'i'm not ashamed about it anymore so you shouldn't either'. Especially the students that have become so big headed and arrogant after their Oxbridge offers (though that's not saying all those offer holders have become arrogant cause some have been so supportive). Speaking of which I told lots of my family about the rejections and they all responded really well, so I was pleasantly surprised. None of that disappointed pity (I hope).

So I need to go now and rest a bit more, but hopefully I will post soon with some advice. And I'm sorry if these posts have become a bit sad or unreadable (and I'm sorry to my close mates that I've been so miserable these past few days) - I am a bit sad about it all but I promise I'm being optimistic, so this phase shouldn't last long.

The wait is now over!

So I heard from that final medical school today in the form of a rejection. :(. Not quite sure how I feel. Shed a few tears, but I'm not sure if that was more over relief that I now know from everywhere or the rejection itself. But now after a few hours, I'm feeling optimistic and excited for what the year may bring. Now I can have the most amazing gap year and do exactly what I want to do, yet I still have to think about finance and I'm hating that I could have had the opportunity for the low fees but have blown it and will have to pay the high ones. Bleurgh.

But I'm actually quite surprised at how i've delt with this all. Thought I'd be a lot more upset about it than I am, but maybe I'm just deluding myself. People who found out were so supportive, and I felt so warm (i've always thought that I wouldn't know how to act when people start saying they feel sorry for me, I HATE pity) though I couldn't believe that a few teachers passed me when I was crying and didn't even stop to ask if I was ok. But I didn't think about that at the time, I definately do NOT want to be molly-coddled and to be honest I shouldn't (and don't) care about that. One really nice teacher even gave me some easter mini eggs which was so sweet, and my closest friends have been incredible, so I'm fine.

Looking to the future now, I guess this all happened for a reason, whether I deserved it or not. Better concentrate on my A levels, and just grasp whatever may happen over this next year. Its annoying that I may have to do the UKCAT, BMAT etc all over again, but at least this time I get to do it all with my A level results and with maturity and experience which can only benefit my application.

Aeek so read over my previous posts and I think i'm getting a bit too cheesy. But hopefully now that I've laid out my situation I can offer more readable and interesting posts!

So still no news from that last uni. Grr, but at least some excitement over an email today wasn't lost - Starbucks are giving me a free bag of coffee on Thursday - hooray! On a final medically lost sheep related note, I was interrogated today by lots of potential medics in the year below who were interested in what I had to say. Weird giving them advice from the 'other side of the table' but it kind of felt odd as some of the things that I was telling them I kind of wish I knew before whole application shabang! But also reminded me how much respect I have for the teacher who helps all us potential medics out and just how much effort she put it in to help us all, so at least I feel very assured that if I do need to reapply, i've got a lot of knowledge from this UCAS cycle, and a helpful teacher that can only strengthen my application.

We had a speaker today who was a political journalist. Thought it might not be very interesting but it was suprisingly really informative and made me think. I've never really been interested in politics as a subject, constitutions etc - the attacking nature of MPs and the fact that huge conflicts arise, plus the pompous nature of many of them, but I definately don't want to sit back quietly. Everyone has a voice and I think we should all use it to express our opinion (and not in an aggressive and derogatory way) for a better change. After all we are citizens! (and I am 18 and can vote :D) So from this and a talk on Sunday I'm definately spurred on to help make a good change. He did also teach us how much your life could be exposed to the public eye. Kinda relates to medicine too. Doctors that aren't happy with a way that a hospital is working should speak up so that it can be changed for the better. I also think we should have more Baronness Doctors in the House of Lords (if that is possible), maybe then, many of the health reforms may have happened differently.

Ah what a ramble. Not much to contribute today but maybe, JUST maybe I'll be able to post some news about that final university that I'm waiting on tomorrow. Also for you that are from The Student Room, feel free to comment with feedback or show how you are feeling if you are in a similar situation.

The waiting game just will not end!

Even though I've had a really nice relaxing day, I still find that internally and constantly at the back of my mind I'm anxious and still slightly sad about the university situation. Definitely doesn't help when everyone's talking about their Firm choices/student finance etc! But I've seen a change in the way I'm regarding it all. I've accepted it now and have taken my own advice that I 'preached' to the school to stop comparing myself with those that have had such successes this year who I thought were pretty similar to me.

And also for the first time in ages, I actually felt motivated to do some work for the love of learning! - I've always thought that people should love to learn and learn about the things that interest them, and NOT just words to pass an exam (this is probably after seeing the film 3 Idiots which I really really recommend, even if it is an Indian film - it will change your perspective on education) . Recently I'd just been ploughing along, having no energy to do any work especially after the 'too academic' feedback  - Whats the point if I don't even have an offer to meet/no uni cares about my grades? Why, if a few teachers don't appreciate effort but just full marks? This was especially heightened after results - I had NO emotion to my results. I didn't even care if they were good (or bad). And during that time when I couldn't stop comparing myself, I found myself against my will and silently in the corners of my brain having negative views that there are some people who have medicine offers which they will just about meet after lots of retakes, and here I am with cambridge ums marks retaking none. But today I've started a new book about the genetic differences and evolutions between me and women by Steve Jones and it's so good. Also reminds me the amount of interest and effort I took/put into outside fields of medicine not covered by the A levels which NONE of my interviewers asked about and I know makes me a little different from other applicants.

Oh man just re-reading the last bit of this paragraph ^ makes me feel so guilty and selfish. So so glad that I've stop these comparisons - what a waste of energy! But yeah, although I'm starting to get REALLY frustrated with this waiting, the fact that I'm being so reflective and changing my attitude is really making me feel better. Ah what the UCAS (and maybe the growing-up competitive) system does to you.

Edit: About comments by me on my grades/results in this post and in any other post in this blog - I'm not one to boast and brag about grades, but I feel its a tiny bit necessary here in order that this blog can be useful to you, either to get an idea or to help you with your medical school application in the future. Hehe actually in thinking about one of my initial posts - maybe I'm doing this because I feel I have to prove to you that I do actually have an amount of smartness and work hard and am not a complete thick lazy ditz that obtained all (well its probably going to be all by the end of this week) rejections.

Optimistic

So most of today was spent at the charity that takes up a big part of my life. Its the sort of charity that really strives for the greatest development of children, and I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be part of it. The atmosphere is so humbling and warm and it really is like a family. It's like this perfect bubble to escape to - here there is no competition, no judging but just pure care and love between the volunteers. We had a talk today for the older ones about goals, self discipline etc, and just thinking about these things and also my long term goals and oppressions to it funnily enough made me very optimistic. (I thought spending time actually thinking about my failures would really dishearten me.)

Just spending time with the children and talking to some of the most inspirational and motivational people I have ever met made me realise that there is way more to life than academics and getting into university and achieving your goals straight away. Really makes me think, why waste so much time and energy looking at where things went wrong? Why don't I just be positive, learn from those mistake/hinders and use this energy to move forward to enjoy my life?

We also had a short talk about healthy politics and the role that one can play in society as a citizen of the world. This definitely reinforced my dream to one day work with/for the United Nations and just thinking about it, I'm quite excited that I may be able to do something worthwhile maybe in a third world country for people who aren't selfish and materialistically greedy in my potential gap year!!

The waiting

So waiting on the decision of the last uni that should be coming in any moment now. The wait is so draining and literally can't tell you how excited then deflated I get when I see an email in my inbox to realise it's just ASOS!

I knew three other people that were interviewed at this uni on the same day just before me, and they have all heard. Funny fact, during the interview session on that day, there were 4 of us with the same surname, and with firstnames that all rhymed. 

Hard as well when everyone you know has floods of offers, some medics too that have all 4! I only need one offer to get into medical school and be a doctor, yet I can't seem to even get one.

My situation

My situation:

A geek that wants to study medicine but post interviews has been rejected by 2 universities, wait listed at 1 and pretty sure another rejection is on the way. Yes I have shed a few tears because the reasons for rejection are very annoying ("too academic") but right now I've never felt like more of a half-happy half-sad lost sheep. (Can't help feeling that its very selfish of me to dwell and waste energy on such matters when there are people dying and having to cope with hellish situations in Japan)

So why am I half happy half sad (and yes I do very much believe that you can have such an emotion)?

Half happy - I have this opportunity to grow up and see the world and have the most amazing gap year! I've done a LOT of voluntary work since a young age and feel that every person in the world should be made to give back to the community, so a chance to do a years worth of self guided volunteering is very attractive. Whilst I do really want to do medicine, it also buys me a bit of time to decide whether I want to enter Medicine now or at a later date post-graduate.

Half sad - I know this is going to sound absolutely obnoxious and arrogant, but I genuinely just don't know where I went wrong to get so many rejections. To be honest I've never felt such disappointment and rejection which coming from someone who just gets on with life and never lets these things bring me down is bold. I've got straight A* results and near perfect UMS and do so much out of school. But not to dwell on that, it leads me to my next point. Ever since these rejections have come through UCAS I find that I'm comparing myself with others and feeling that I have to prove myself to people that 'No, I am not just an unsuccessful thick, useless reject'.  I've also started to care about what people think of me on a huge scale. And I've developed this inner anger and jealousy - especially at those who LIE on their personal statement and do no work yet still get the 4 offers. Not anger at them - more that my heart just gets more sad.

Oh and the biggest one, I HATE this fees increase. I feel obliged to go to uni this year so that I don't have to pay the higher fees yet the fact that I'm not going to be able to puts this huge weight (and future debt) on my shoulders.

And not forgetting the fact that I go to a school that top's the league tables and where it is really easy to blend into the background (though I'm pretty loud and deputy head girl so not so much of a problem for me) and get judged/pitied for getting rejections. I love my school, i'm just not the happiest with the careers advice that I've been given. So don't even know who to listen to anymore.

First post!

So it's my first post! You may wonder why I started this blog. I will tell you of my situation in a bit but firstly I started this because like many other teenagers in the world, I feel like a completely lost sheep looking for a shepherd (or guidance). Every person goes through their own situations and handles them differently, but I always find it helpful to talk to or read about people who are in similar predicaments to my own. So hopefully this will help or remind someone in the future or merely be a good read. I'm not the best at English, but I'm a complete chatterbox which should be sufficient enough for a readable blog. (I hope).