My situation

My situation:

A geek that wants to study medicine but post interviews has been rejected by 2 universities, wait listed at 1 and pretty sure another rejection is on the way. Yes I have shed a few tears because the reasons for rejection are very annoying ("too academic") but right now I've never felt like more of a half-happy half-sad lost sheep. (Can't help feeling that its very selfish of me to dwell and waste energy on such matters when there are people dying and having to cope with hellish situations in Japan)

So why am I half happy half sad (and yes I do very much believe that you can have such an emotion)?

Half happy - I have this opportunity to grow up and see the world and have the most amazing gap year! I've done a LOT of voluntary work since a young age and feel that every person in the world should be made to give back to the community, so a chance to do a years worth of self guided volunteering is very attractive. Whilst I do really want to do medicine, it also buys me a bit of time to decide whether I want to enter Medicine now or at a later date post-graduate.

Half sad - I know this is going to sound absolutely obnoxious and arrogant, but I genuinely just don't know where I went wrong to get so many rejections. To be honest I've never felt such disappointment and rejection which coming from someone who just gets on with life and never lets these things bring me down is bold. I've got straight A* results and near perfect UMS and do so much out of school. But not to dwell on that, it leads me to my next point. Ever since these rejections have come through UCAS I find that I'm comparing myself with others and feeling that I have to prove myself to people that 'No, I am not just an unsuccessful thick, useless reject'.  I've also started to care about what people think of me on a huge scale. And I've developed this inner anger and jealousy - especially at those who LIE on their personal statement and do no work yet still get the 4 offers. Not anger at them - more that my heart just gets more sad.

Oh and the biggest one, I HATE this fees increase. I feel obliged to go to uni this year so that I don't have to pay the higher fees yet the fact that I'm not going to be able to puts this huge weight (and future debt) on my shoulders.

And not forgetting the fact that I go to a school that top's the league tables and where it is really easy to blend into the background (though I'm pretty loud and deputy head girl so not so much of a problem for me) and get judged/pitied for getting rejections. I love my school, i'm just not the happiest with the careers advice that I've been given. So don't even know who to listen to anymore.