Sunshine!

So nice to be writing this with a cup of tea looking out to the most beautiful weather I've seen all year. They say that the weather can change a person's mood and I completely agree with that!

Am on holiday now. Woke up after a long lie in and thought yay great, but then got a bit sad after realising that I missed school and can't believe I'll only have a month of it left when I get back! The weather made me happier though and went on a lovely walk instead of stuck in the classroom.

So how am I feeling? Feeling a lot better thanks. I'm still quite knackered and drained from it all but feeling really positive. Realised yesterday though after a conversation with a friend and after crying infront of a teacher that I think I am at my emotional peak! Never been this emotional I don't think. Weird how university rejections, tiredness and a low self esteem can change a usually private and positive person into an emotional fuse! Proud of how I'm dealing with the 'I feel so sorry for you's and 'oh you must be so disappointed's, I'm no longer shying away from the pity, and just accepting it. To be honest I don't think I've ever been so warmed and humbled by everyone's support. Got the NICEST card and letter I think I've ever received from a Godmothery Aunty today which really made me realise that even though there are disappointments, use it to my advantage - don't dwell on it and let it help me to grow. Also had lovely messages from some other uncles and cousins. Thanks guys, you are the best. All of this warmth and genuine sadness and people caring how I feel makes up for the disappointed pity I'm getting from people who don't even know what I'm about.

Apart from some sadness and a realisation of the person that I've been becoming that I hate, I had quite a nice day and there were some really nice instances. Aparantly some year 11's told a teacher that I was their biggest role model and that they look up to me and love that I'm the most realistic Dep Head (whatever that means) which nearly set me off! That's the loveliest thing I've ever heard. Some year 9's also gave me some easter eggs and sweets which was really cute. Ah well, don't mean to post that in a boastful way but more of a feelgood factor. When I look back on these posts, I'd quite like a reminder that everything these days isn't all depressive and sad!

So now onto Easter. I've been ordered by a lot of people to leave revision for a while and just relax, which I've attempted to do but I think I need a distraction. Going to spend time with all the people that I love for a few days and just enjoy the sunshine and life and then I think i'll let the revision mode kick in. I'm starting to get an inkling of motivation for revision which is lovely and making me think that ooh look the old self me is starting to come back. Hehe just smiled at that - more that I smiled at revision. In fact I'm smiling a lot more with genuine happiness which is great. Recently I have been keeping up smiling, but I'm not going to lie, most of those times it was a definite cover for anxiety. So glad that my real smiles are back :) One of my favourite teachers told me I need to keep smiling so hey, can't ignore that!

I realise that the past few posts have been full of my emotions and have had a sad ring to them, so I PROMISE that this is the last post like that. As I've said, I know I need a rejuvenation, so with that, be prepared for happier posts, with happier commentaries. Just paused as I'm writing this to take a call and one of my friends that reads this has said that apparantely I have some 'hilarious comments' on life and generally have some hilarious incidences or quirks that I've not posted about. (I don't think that the're hilarious) So i'm now being made to add some of these to my posts for the  (insert my name) factor. Even though this is called The Lost Medic Sheep, I've a feeling this is also going to contain some other comments and stories. Right.